


Everyone Is A Moron Except Regulus Black

by FeelsGoodToBeUnholy (Trenchcoatsandconverse)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Coffee shops and stuff, F/M, James keeps being... James, Lily is in denial, M/M, Poor Regulus working with a ton of oblivious idiots, Remus and Sirius are so oblivious, oh and he's ace/aro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:11:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5308967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trenchcoatsandconverse/pseuds/FeelsGoodToBeUnholy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regulus is ready to bash their heads together until they realise that they're in love.<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>In which Regulus Black is playing matchmaker, Sirius is a poor pining guitarist, Remus is a smol, sweater wearing bean, James has horrible pickup lines, and Lily is in denial. Or just another day in the Three Broomsticks coffee shop.</p><p>YO I'VE PUT THIS ON HOLD FOR A WHILE/MAY REWRITE IT IN THE FUTURE SO</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Daily Grind (haha get it because it's a coffee shop au)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY before you read this go to chapter 4 because it has important stuff pertaining to the continuation of this fic thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I was half asleep while writing this so forgive the shitty quality I'll fix it later. I hope you enjoy some of the weird stuff that comes out of my brain. Thanks to my beta.

It was an ordinary day in The Three Broomsticks Coffee Shop. 

The two baristas were standing at the counter, the guitarist who played music (and sang) on the small elevated bit of floor that served as the stage every day from nine to four was plucking away at the strings of his acoustic guitar, and the owner was already a few steps away from ripping his hair out of his head and throwing himself out of the window of his apartment above his shop. 

Regulus would probably have been in a much better mood had the people he was forced to be around every day not been witless ninnies. 

His day started as usual, with his older brother Sirius (who just happened to play guitar and sing in the coffee shop from nine to four) deciding to let himself in at five o'clock in the morning, because apparently he had gotten a new job as a bloody alarm clock and no longer needed to work in the shop. Oh joy and rapture. 

An hour later, when Regulus was ready to set up the shop for the day, (okay, so maybe Sirius only wakes him up thirty minutes earlier than he normally would, but those were valuable thirty minutes!) Sirius helped him, so even though he was awake at ungodly hours, his brother wasn't a complete arsehole. 

Sirius looked similar to him, so people could always tell that they were brothers quite easily, although they always thought Regulus was older because of their height difference. (Regulus was about 5'10, while Sirius was only 5'6, something that Regulus enjoyed holding over his brothers head, both figuratively and literally) They both had black hair, although Sirius had his grown out to his shoulders and Regulus had an undercut, and Sirius had grey eyes whereas Regulus had blue. 

Then the first of the two baristas (Lily Evans) would arrive. She was short, shorter than Sirius, which was an accomplishment in itself, with fiery red hair and green eyes. She always came early to help the brothers finish setup. She smiled kindly at Regulus and said, "Good morning!" every day, and every day Sirius would just get a glare. 

There were still some hard feelings between them based on Lily's relationship (or lack thereof) with Sirius's best mate, but it also had a bit to do with how Sirius had acted towards her in boarding school. 

Finally, sauntering in mere seconds before he would be considered late, James Potter finally got there. 

He was an inch or two taller than Regulus with stupidly messy black hair (his family owned a hair product company, for fuck's sake) and hazel eyes that were always behind squareish glasses because, as James liked to put it, contacts were a sign of giving up. 

James was also Sirius' best mate, the very one who had incited Lily's ire. He was an alright guy, though. At the very least, his mom made killer chicken tikka masala. 

The only reason that Lily even worked at the Three Broomsticks was because she and Regulus were such good friends, even though his brother and his friend were wankers, or at least that was what she said. Regulus knew for a fact that no matter how much she claimed to despise James, she had a bit of a crush on him. 

They had met because Regulus had ended up hanging around the same group of people that Lily's former friend, Severus Snape, had. Unlike Snape, someone (Sirius) had quickly talked sense into him though, and he'd since distanced himself from those people. Regulus and Lily had ended up staying friends even after Regulus backed away from his 'friends' and Lily and Severus had their falling out. 

All the while, James had relentlessly pursued her until they hit seventh year, after which he'd calmed down a bit. Everyone and their mother knew that James still liked her, but Lily maintained her steady 'hatred'. He didn't understand why she didn't just go for it. It wasn't like there was anything stopping her, because James was obviously interested, judging by the fact that he'd recently taken up poetry writing, and the top ninety percentile had either the word 'Lily' or 'flower' in the title. Seriously, what the fuck? 

He supposed that it had a little something to do with bruised pride. He hoped Lily would pull her head out of her ass soon, though. James was a nice guy, if a bit arrogant, and he was no longer the little bastard he was when he was fifteen. But she either didn't notice or didn't care, and she was left to her denial while James sat hopelessly pining. 

Oh well. 

It was time to open. 

The sign was flipped, James and Sirius chattered about some movie that had come out recently, and Lily read her book while Regulus set things up in the kitchen. Business was relatively slow for the first twenty minutes. It never started to speed up until around seven thirty, when everyone started waking up and heading to work. 

Sirius started playing music at nine, and at nine thirty, just like every day, Mystery Boy would come in, and Sirius would skip a word or a note (sometimes even both if Mystery Boy was looking particularly good). One would think that seeing him every day at the same time for almost two months would make Sirius used to him showing up, but no. He had light, curly brown hair, and goldish eyes. He was reasonably attractive, Regulus supposed. He always wore over-sized sweaters which seemed to engulf his skinny frame, and he stood barely taller than Sirius. He had extremely pale skin and looked like a particularly strong wind could blow him away. 

Mystery Boy ordered the same thing he always did - Earl Grey tea -and sat down in the same seat he always did - the one in the corner by the window - and took out his laptop and began typing away like he always did, occasionally stopping and sending longing gazes up at Sirius. 

James and Lily were staring at each other when the other wasn't looking. 

Regulus was frustrated. 

It was obvious that Sirius liked Mystery Boy (even though he'd been coming to the shop for two months, they still had no clue what his name was), and it seemed like he was at least attracted to Sirius, so why did neither of them make a move? James and Lily's pining alone was hard enough to handle, but now that he had to deal with Sirius waxing poetic about Mystery Boy, Regulus was about to lose his bloody mind. 

Unless he wanted a headache for the foreseeable future, and since he was the only one out of all of them that remotely had his shit together, he clearly needed to take matters into his own hands. 

He couldn't believe he, a person who was asexual and aromantic, had to fix his stupid friends' relationship troubles.

Was he, a person who had no desire to partake in any romantic relationship, whether it physical or not, a tad unqualified for matchmaking? 

Absolutely. 

Would he most likely do a better job than most dating websites?

Abso-fucking-lutley. 

Because he was just that goddamn brilliant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Idk how often updates will be.


	2. Musings and Merthur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so shit, I had to rush if I wanted to squeeze one last chapter in before I went back to school after break. Hope you enjoy! And thank you to my beta.

Now that he had resolved to fix all of his friends problems, he was faced with actually doing it. Luckily for him, he wasn't making people fall in love, so that simplified it... Slightly. Unfortunately, he had to make them admit that they were in love. And that made it complex.

One of his biggest problems was that he had no idea where to start! If only he could just... give them a love potion or some shit, but sadly, this was the real world, where such things did not exist. 

After they closed up at seven, (they opened at seven and closed at seven.  
What could he say? Regulus enjoyed symmetry) the only logical thing left to do was browse tumblr until inspiration for his latest project hit him. Damn these people, making him fix their sad excuses for love lives.

They didn't exactly ask for his meddling, but they couldn't expect him to sit idle and mind his own business while they acted so ridiculously! 

"Kreacher, you are so simple. All you ask is that I feed you and occasionally give you attention. Why can't everyone be like you?" He asked his cat. Kreacher blinked up at him before ignoring him in favour of licking his own arse. 

"You know what, I take that back. I am glad that humans don't do that. I'm not sure most of us can even bend that way." 

As he scrolled distractedly through the Merthur tag, it hit him. He didn't need elaborate schemes or magic to succeed in this matchmaking thing! He simply needed to do what the dating websites (which he was superior to) did. Make people love each other because they were told they they're compatible. 

Well, the people he was setting up were compatible for each other (At least James and Lily were, he'd have to do some recon on mystery boy. He wasn't going to set up his brother with just anyone, no matter how much said brother might fancy Him.) so deception wouldn't even be involved. 

Now, both of these potential pairs would be difficult. Lily claimed to despise James, and mystery boy was a complete stranger. Regulus was sure that Sirius wouldn't be bothered, but Regulus needed to make sure He was good enough for his brother. 

He supposed it would be easy enough to find out mystery boys name, stalk Him on social media, and therefore find out a bit about His character. But that would probably only scratch the surface, and he needed an in depth investigation. It all sounded much less creepy in his head than it probably would sound out loud. 

After gaining His trust, Regulus' next course of action would probably be coaching Him to ask Sirius out. Then, armed with experience from a successful setup, he would then tackle the Jily crisis (He was now calling them Jily). 

Satisfied with his plan, Regulus resumed his scrolling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I'm actually v tired again so I'll make this quick. So this was a relatively quick update but don't expect this because schools starting up again, like I mentioned earlier, so I won't get much time to write. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, make sure to leave kudos and all that jazz, and I'll see you next time.


	3. Introductions and Infiltration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I FINALLY FUCKING UPDATED. It's been a while. Sorry. Enjoy the chapter!

Same morning routine, (almost) the same everything, except this time when a certain someone walked in at nine thirty, Regulus Black would be ready to strike. 

He'd put Lily in the kitchen that day under the guise of 'wanting to make sure that Lily had enough experience in the kitchen to take over if need be'. Lily normally would handle the kitchen if Regulus was sick, but, since that was an infrequent occurance (Regulus took his vitamins), she almost never manned the kitchen, and it made perfect sense that Regulus would want her to be around the baked goods, but it really was just a plot to introduce himself to mystery boy. (Shocker, right?) 

He wasn't exactly sure how well it would go, as he was easily one of the most socially awkward people ever, and probably wouldn't even find a conversation opening. 

Oh well. He had to try, or risk Sirius and mystery boy pining silently forever and eventually dying cold and alone. (That probably wouldn't happen, but it was a possibility, and Regulus didn't want that fate for his brother.)

Lucky for him (although not so lucky for mystery boy), when nine thirty rolled around He came in with His wrist wrapped in gauze. 

When He approached the counter He looked at Regulus in surprise. Regulus looked back, undaunted. He would be undeterred in his mission. Nerves of steel, heart of stone and all that. 

"Hullo. What would you like today?" Regulus asked.

Mystery boy immediately responded with, "Earl Grey, no cream or anything."

Mystery boy had a soft voice with a faint accent. Welsh, maybe? 

Regulus grinned. His goal was within reach. He went about making mystery boy's tea, and when he handed it over he made his move, sinking his proverbial fangs into his proverbial prey. 

"What happened to your arm?" He asked in a conversational tone. Mystery boy sighed. "It's not the most exciting story," he warned. 

"I'm glad to listen," Regulus assured. Mystery boy was engaged in conversation. Stage one was commencing. Proverbial prey was laying on its side, vulnerable and ready for him to make the kill. 

Okay Regulus, calm down, this isn't a nature documentary, the proverbial predator mentally chided himself. 

Or was it? The wild Regulus stalked the smol, pinining Welshman, ready to make Him gay for his brother. Okay, tangent. Back to the soft, tea drinking bean in front of him. (Regulus had mentally adopted Him already)

"Well, my roommate has a bad habit of leaving his school bag around on the floor. I was up getting water one night and tripped over it making the glass break and cut my arm." 

Regulus grimaced. "Ouch." 

Mystery boy nodded. "Tell me about it." 

Regulus extended a hand over the counter, and mystery boy took it and gave it a quick shake. From the brief moment of contact Regulus could tell that He was extremely cold. Poor child. 

"Regulus Black. I'm the owner of the shop. My brother is the one playing the guitar."

Mystery boy looked between the two. "I see the resemblance." He observed. "I'm Remus. Remus Lupin."

Regulus had to restrain himself from leaping onto the counter, ripping his shirt apart, and uncontrollably screaming as a sign of victory. (So what, he had a tendency to be dramatic. It wasn't his fault he was raised with the actual king of drama Sirius Black.) He'd succeeded!

Regulus smiled. "It's a pleasure."

Remus shot him a small smile back. "Likewise."

The less-of-a-mystery boy walked over and sat in his usual spot. In the meantime, Regulus began counting the hours until seven. He wanted to start stage two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm gonna try to make the next update not a three month long wait. I hope you enjoyed it, leave kudos and all that jazz, and I'll see you next time (which hopefully won't be too far in the future) Bye!


	4. not an actual chapter

heyyy soooo um...... I'm lowkey not continuing this? like not for a while. sorry :(. I'm working on lotsa other stuff and I'm also not too happy with like how this has been going so I'm probably going to rewrite it. (along with basically everything else) don't expect to see this around anytime soon, though. like I said, I have a lot of other fics going on and this is going on the back burner. I'm not abandoning it, don't worry, I just wanted to let the people who were interested in this know what's going on. thanks for reading this! see you whenever I get around to working on this.


End file.
